It was Dead Week, but in name only. Students were bustling here and there around campus, completely ignoring the need to prepare for their imminent finals. The only thing “dead” about this week was grades. Well, and the Immortal Ten. Also dead.

Frisbees and footballs cut through the cold December air like spears in the night, but that’s pretty much where that simile ends.

And yet there I sat in my room, studying. It was still early in the evening, but I had not yet had my half-hourly dose of caffeine, and as I read my text messages book I began to drift off to sleep. I fought the slumber with all my strength, valiantly struggling to maintain my consciousness, but soon my eyelids became unbearably heavy, and I nodded off.

My biggest mistake.

I had heard of the BaylorGuys before. I had even checked their site a couple of times, but was disappointed when I discovered that they had seemingly disappeared. No longer were there any posts to keep me distracted from my studies. Only the remnants of a people, lost. I had casually conjectured to myself that the Guys had been abducted by an opposing force that wished to see them eliminated. They were gone, and there would be no return. The BaylorGuys were done.

I awakened from my slumber and stood corrected. I was no longer in my room; rather, I myself had been the victim of an abduction. I found myself (after an embarrassingly long search) at the end of a hall that was comparable in length to an Alaskan Bull Worm. The opposite end of the hall was lit with what appeared to be a screen, but I was too far away to read what was on it.

As I began to make my way to the screen, I noticed that the walls were covered top to bottom with the number 9 in various typefaces and sizes, and from the ceiling was draped a large green banner that was emblazoned with the BaylorGuys logo. Suddenly I realized my fate. This was an induction. Not the kind of induction that was going to require me to follow strict fashion guidelines (cream needs an accent color, people) and force me to give up my friends and finances. No…I was being inducted into a different kind of group: the BaylorGuys nonfraternity of antihilarity and lunacy.

I approached the screen, which was that of a computer, asking me for my login and password to BaylorGuys.com. I typed in my credentials, and was branded with my new identity.

It’s nice to meet you. I’m Guy #9, and if for nothing else, I’m here to remind you that Robert Griffin III won the Heisman Trophy.

Have a perfectly unproductive first week back! We’ll post again when we deem it necessary, and you’ll live with it.

-Guy #9

We’ll let who that line was directed at sink in for a second, while also allowing you to get over your shock of our return.

Now. The question you may be asking is why in Rufus Burleson’s top hat hasn’t somebody in that ill-named BaylorGuys nonfraternity fraternity of antihilarity and lunacy posted?

And we answer your question with a question…

U MAD BRO?

You see sometimes a break is necessary, it helps you set your priorities straight and allows others when (had to get that first spelling error out of the way early) Heisman Trophies (yes we’re taking credit for Robert Griffin III’s Heisman Trophy and proof will lie within our internal servers until such time as we decide to expose it).

And by priorities we really mean one thing: we were way too consistent. We were more consistent than Baylor Proud’s double emails. And that is a fault we can no longer stand to BEAR (HA! aren’t you glad we’re back?). So as it stands we’re going to be inconsistent on purpose. But not so much so that we become consistently inconsistent (it’s kinda like if Kappa Delta decided to nonexistually [not a word freshmen.. don't use it in Thinking, Writing, and Coloring] exist).

You see, our very nature is derived from a desire to be inconsistent. We are after all… guys. (Yes, ladies, that one was for you). As a result, we don’t know when we’ll post but we will, and following us on twitter and facebook are your best options for knowing when to visit our homely blog.

Now for the freshmen who we have so awfully wronged in not providing them with content to feast their little eager eyes on while procrastinating on that Christian Scriptures test over everything they missed while stuffing their faces with doughnuts instead of paying attention in Sunday School growing up.. we truly regret to inform you: we don’t care about you.

In fact, since no one is here to protest, we decree that no one in the class of 2015 is allowed to lay eyes on this site, ever. So get off. (Guy #7 wants it to be noted that he will allow access for two minutes at a time at the cost of an Einstein Bagel and a pack of gushers).

So finally, since our nonexistent firewall can’t actually keep you freshmen out of here, please check out our about page to figure out what is going on… or just read through the hundreds of posts we have slaved over throughout our late night studies.

So welcome back to your procrastination destination. Your daily routine will involve us because we said so.

- The BaylorFreakingGuys

Oh and to that one kid who still knows where he is going… Take Highway 6 to College Station where you belong.

p.s. in case somehow you live underneath that weird sculpture in the Draper courtyard, Robert Griffin won the Heisman Trophy. (yes, every post this semester will remind you of it, and we still won’t have drilled it into your heads as much as the TPTB have done.)

What is the problem that we are facing at the moment? No, it’s not that we are about to play a TCU team that everybody THINKS isn’t as good because of the loss of Andy Dalton – I can assure you, we are still in for it. Anyway, it’s this darn heat. We can’t even walk to class without having to bring a change of clothes. So, what to do about it? Well, I have brainstormed and brainstormed, and here are my top three possibilities:

1) This is my weakest idea in terms of ingenuity, but probably best in terms of pragmatic value. We all stay home. A simple, good ol’ fashioned strike. It has officially become too hot for too long for our own health. Something tells me professors won’t fail every member of a class. Unless of course it’s a social work class; we all know how harsh and tough those profs can be. I know, it’s cliche: “everyone skip!” But, rather than suggesting this from a standpoint of being a punk high schooler who wants to do something to be remembered by, I’m merely saying we have our bodies to think about. I am pretty sure God did not intend for us to have to endure this level of absurd heat.

2) Which brings me to my second option. Appeal to the Higher Powers for a respite from this drought (by drought I mean the continual lashing of a solar flare). What does Baylor do best? We sing and dance. We have months of time set aside so that we can choreograph a seven minute event! Let’s put that creativity to work towards a campus-wide flash-mob rain dance! Ridiculous? Absolutely. Worth a try? Actually, I’d do it if it got organized. So whoever the mysterious person who organizes those things is, let’s give this a shot.

3) And, if you chickens don’t go for 1 or 2, then there is still an option that is absolutely possible for anyone. Quit. Talking. About. The. Heat. Goodness, everyone is either Facebook posting about it, tweeting about it, or even worse, devoting time to blog about it! Give it a rest people. Everyone is tired of hearing about it, everyone knows it’s hot, anyone taking time to talk about it more and dedicate time out of their day to discuss it is just dumb…

-Guy #8

P.S. We really don’t get paid to do this, but how cool would that be?

For you veteran readers, the above question should scream “paradox.” Why on earth would we actually spend our free time doing this!? We provide this service as a procrastination tool not just for you guys, our readership, but for us as well! So, now that we’ve moved past the week of going over syllabi and taking that random pop quiz that your professor is trying to scare you with, we can get back to it. Because, now, we have real work to put off to write for you guys, and you guys have real work that you can put off to read our crap.

Baylorites, enjoy this semester; you’ll never get it back!

Side note: why do people say that? Is there ever an event or moment in a linear time model that we do “get back?” It just seems unnecessary to point out the obvious.

Anyway, please do enjoy yourselves! We can’t promise a post everyday, and for that horrific transgression, we apologize. We’ll do our best to give you ample material to waste time with.

Au Revoir,

Guy # 8

P.S. I actually did think of a way that you could, in a sense, get this semester back: fail all your classes. So, don’t let your fear of the unknown get the best of you and pass those suckers.

We’d like to draw attention to how this scenario played out much like the way football typically works out for them. They make a lot of noise, make everyone pay attention to them, and it amounts to nothing.

Once again we’d love to point to the Cult in College Station’s traditional mediocrity by setting up this scenario for you:

Team #1 // 6-5
Team #2 // 5-6

Since 1945, Team #1 has averaged just over 6 wins a year and just over 5 losses.
Since 1945, Team #2 has averaged just over 5 wins a year and just under 6 losses.

Team #1 is Texas A&M and Team #2 is Baylor. We concede this small victory to the Aggies because A) you have to tell them they won something before they’ll listen to you and B) because we wanted to further entrench in your minds the celebrated mediocrity that occurs at the Cult at College Station.

Before we continue, we must be quick to point out and deflect the obvious retort that will come from Aggies that have spread themselves across America. Some form of “You’re the cult because you’re from Waco.”

In fact, let us dispel this ridiculous assertion for anyone who may be confused – “It” took place 9 miles northeast of Waco. Which, is not Waco.

Also, we don’t do things like this:

Now, we generally agree that this will eventually happen. The Cult will end up in the SEC and it will go something like….

Whiny, loud, obstinate, overbearing, little kid wants to play in the big kid sandbox, despite not being able to stand in his own. Big kids come over to survey the prospects for their sandbox and discovers a whiny, loud, obstinate, overbearing little kid with lots of cash. After the big kids mull the situation over it is decided that they could stand the extra cash flow from the little kid’s parents and could always use another little kid to pick on. Done deal.

The little kid is so excited to join the club, and he does so with much excitement, noise and bravado. But at the end of the day his best is still only mediocre.

…And kinda weird.

- The BaylorGuys

So whether you’re out of the country on that “study” abroad program, wondering why Community College credit counts, working at a camp, or stuck in Waco about to endure weeks of Line Camp jolliness on campus (we just checked and that covers 98% of you, the other 2% includes those people who don’t have facebook and that one chick who you swear only exists during your 10:10 MWF classes), we hope you enjoyed this incredibly long sentence.

Seriously though, where has summer gone? We talked to a few of Baylor’s finest to find out what they have been up to so far this summer..

President Judge Ken Starr

What have I done this summer? You mean, what have i not done this summer. After squashing my fake twitter account you rabble-rousers started for me this last spring, I’ve been on a destructive rampage. You learned about executive privilege in that ridicul… I mean, ridiculously important Political Science we make every last one of you take? Well I’ve taken it to heart. If anyone has seen campus since school let out just know that it’s for your good that it has looked like a war zone. And even if it wasn’t for your good, I’m the president. Just try me. I’ll executive privilege, or executivilege as I prefer to call it, your wimpy blog out of existence….. Alright, how was that? Am I off the record now? Good. If I’m being honest your tweet for me about the Heath Bar and the armed robbery was a classic.

Kim Mulkey

I ate Danielle Adams and told B. Griner to bring home the championship this year. And I’ll do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that…

Burt Burleson

Why is my name at the top of the site? I’m not that old…. OHHHH! I get it now. You mean like all the other Burleson’s that have worked here. Yep, yep, it’s true. We’re a tale as old as time. Have you seen that Disney movie? Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, I watched it with my family last weekend and I kind of teared up a little.. wait, where’d you get that picture?

Brother NoZelonger Does NoZething

I’ve thought about it long and hard and decided to give up on that whole “hide my identity” thing… I mean, we don’t really do much anymore anyway. Which, to answer your question, I haven’t really done anything.

Perry Jones III

I challenged the NCAA to a game of one-on-one. She backed out – said something about losing her spine.

Art Briles

Well, once again I’ve been trying to quell expectations while raising them at the same time. We’ve been practicing to be able to put away the God-forsaken group from college station. But we’re not going to get cocky now or anything, they’re a decent club. Do you see what I did there? Quelling expectations and raising them at the same time, just call me a Mid-Texas Miracle Worker, but don’t because there’s always someone better than you out there…

We hope you have enjoyed these lovely insights from some of Baylor’s “finest” – now back to your break…. carry on now, don’t waste it reading our nonsense.

- The BaylorGuys

Also, we hope you find, take and keep the gifts we left around campus for everyone, not just GBGs.

Last day! We’ll be with you next week for crunch time. See you Monday!

- The BaylorGuys

Another critique would be that since we obviously are incapable of checking the weather ourselves, who’s to say we know where to go to monitor said conditions? For us, monitoring the weather means standing outside and looking up. But the last sentence tells us to be prepared to seek shelter. So we’ve decided it’s official, Baylor University is a girl and she was sending mixed signals.

Now all was fine until text number two (from a different number? what the?.. who is this chick?)

“Baylor Alert! Tornado Warning issued for Baylor-Waco campus. Move to lowest floor,interior part of building away from windows. More info soon.”

More info soon? Clearly Baylor isn’t familiar with cell signals. The lowest, most interior part of the building is one, two bars tops. Plus, if you’re following your own advice darling… how can you possibly know the conditions? But we’ll let it slide, you’re easy on the eyes so we’ll cut you some slack…… that is until we realize that it’s been almost an hour and you said we’d hear from you soon! But then finally, we receive an answer:

“Baylor Alert! The National weather service has lifted the tornado warning for the Waco Metro area. The Baylor-Waco campus is now clear.”

No kidding? Huh! You mean once the wind stopped howling ten minutes after your previous text we could have come out of this dank bathroom in God-forsaken Kokernot?

We’re breaking up with you before it even gets started Baylor. Sorry to break your heart.

- The BaylorGuys

Being talked to by people they don’t know on campus.

Applying road rules to the sidewalk.

Human Performance classes.

8th Street.

Mr. Sno’s frozen yogurt.

Having school spirit.

Walking to class.

Trying to figure out where they are once inside of Draper.

The most ridiculous road layout known to man between I-35 and Dutton near Subway.

Having to open doors – that’s why there’s a handicap button, right?

CLs with a vendetta against fun.

Parking “Services.”

We think that’s a good start – this is typically a question we ask ourselves when writing posts.. what do we not like?

So expect posts about some of these types of things (if there hasn’t been one already) and if you suggest something in the comments, we might just touch on those too next year.

We’ve got the rest of this week and the two dead days to assist you – can’t believe this school year is wrapping up.

Expect something extra on Friday.

- The BaylorGuys

We here at BaylorGuys have a history of avoiding the hard questions and contentious debates in favor of the easy, softball topics of Greek life and how terrible Jack Ingram is (that still hasn’t been debated right?).

I guess over time we’ve preferred to be like the Full House cool Uncle Jesse and Joey who simply say “You got it dude!” and let you back the car through the side of the house rather than good old father Danny Tanner who may be unpopular at first, but sits you down and teaches you a life lesson…

Well today, that trend ends! In the past, we have prided ourselves in being the Baylor news balance to the Nazi-esque propaganda machine that is Baylor Proud, Baylor Magazine, and of course, Baylor’s homepage. It’s been our duty to criticize our university on behalf of all students just to keep it humble, but it appears we have been too moderate. We now have competition in the field of criticizing Baylor! Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the front page of the New York Times from Tuesday about gay student organizations on Christian campuses. These yankee, liberal, foreigners are taking away good old fashioned Baylor criticizing jobs from rightful Baptist hands! This means war! And because of that, the BaylorGuys will start taking on the tough questions, so we don’t become like Baylor and the rest of its propaganda machine!

Frankly, I don’t see how Baylor has any right to try and sweep this one under the rug (You know, like you tried to do to that Collins girl when your CL popped in after visitation hours). I mean, at risk of calling the administration hypocrites (like we have oh so many times before), half of the Board of Regents (Yeah, we’re “Board” of hearing about them too) went to Baylor University! That place was a total party school back in the day! Come on! They allowed dancing on campus as early as 1996! 1996!?! That’s heretical by any Baptist Sunday School rules and completely out of line for that innocent, Internet-booming time! They had to be total party-animals, the likes of which Texas Tech has never seen, to go to a school like that.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so outraged if Baylor didn’t have a long history of hypocritical/ nonsensical decisions. Take for instance, no drinking is allowed on campus or by Baylor students period, but if Diadelbroso DiadelTenthStreet Day of the Beer Day of the “Dr. Pepper” has taught us anything, it’s that Baylor is more than willing to turn a blind eye to its policies when ejecting a quarter of its student population seems a tad “extreme.” I’m just asking for more intelligent decisions. Like instead of sticking with a policy that is obviously not followed by students and can’t be repealed, lest the Baptist Alumni excommunicate us, do the logical thing. Simply turn Baylor University into a Catholic school instead! Suddenly, drinking is allowed on campus and every year, Day of the… Communion Wine(?) would be seen as an annual religious revival, the likes of which the Vatican has never seen, rather than an affront upon university policy. Baylor, I just ask for logical decision-making and an end to hypocrisy. But I digress… A LOT.

So let’s return to the real issue at hand here and for the first time take a stand on a really contentious issue… But oh… wait… I’ve gone on long enough already. Oh well, looks like taking a stand will have to wait until some other time…

Here’s to dodging the question as well,

Guy #5