We had a late night here in our little abode several leagues under the Brazos. We had a post planned, but it looks like that one will be pushed back as we wish to remain up to date with current events: Less than a month after we “threatened” the BOR – we find out that Baylor has made a sudden hire at the position of….. drumroll please…. PRESIDENT.
Now, we know we aren’t exactly a source of factual information, but this is “Fo’ Real” (more real than “for real”). So we pushed aside some homework (and sleep) for you all and have decided it best that you hear our spin on future Baylor President, Kenneth Starr.
(The following is a mixture of truth and fairy-tale)
Kenneth Starr (born July 21, 1946 and third cousin twice-removed of Ringo Starr – esteemed musician) is set to be the new Baylor President. The man, the myth, the legend, Starr once fought toe-to-toe with former President Bill Clinton as Starr is the very man who provided enough evidence and grounds to impeach Billy the Clinton while also prosecuting the lewdster himself.
Interested in what the student body had to say about the situation we asked the first ΣΑΕ we could find what they thought about president-to-be Starr prosecuting a United States President and he simply said, “Any friend of Monica Lewinsky is a friend of mine.”
Guy #4 was then supposed to get a quote from a Theta but could only find a Kappa who just simply asked, “Is he rich?”
After that quote we lost hope in getting meaningful information from a student and so we decided to call up Hillary Clinton to get her personal view of Starr.
“Well, I guess in some ways Starr is the man responsible for launching my political career. After being thrust into the limelight after my husband-by-title-only-at-this-point did not have sexual relations with that woman, I was able to leverage some things with Bill and the American public that helped vault me to the political forefront. I mean look at me – I’m at the top of the Democratic Party, I’m the Secretary of State,” said Hillary in a bit of excitement.
After the rather odd conversation with Hillary we decided it might just be best to just go with our observations for the rest of this post (Guy #1 went and smarted off about Obama beating her in the primary and she got a little huffy).
So what exactly have we observed?
1) Kenneth Starr is a member of the Church of Christ denomination. So naturally, we decided it would be a good idea to let him become the head of the largest Baptist Educational Institution in the world.
2) He’s coming from not allowing musical instruments in church services to a negative view of dancing. We’ve heard it’s possible to get more conservative but we don’t believe it.
3) He’s the subject of much more satire than what you can find here or in The Rope. A whole Broadway play was written about the guy. (http://www.starrplay.com/ for more info on that one)
4) It took all of 30 minutes from the time of the news leak for his Wikipedia page to be updated about his accepting of the position at Baylor University.
5) Kenneth Starr must be a Wiki-editor.
6) The University clearly does not give the slightest care as to what students want.
7) See #6
8) Was it drugs? Kool-Aid? Other hallucinogens? – Who goes from Malibu, California to Waco, Texas?
9) Pepperdine is no longer “that one school that randomly makes the NCAA College Basketball Tournament as a 10 seed or lower every year” but rather the school that your president came from.
10) Starr’s name backwards is rrats.
11) Don’t confuse him with rapper Kenn Star.
12) We want to see Kenneth Starr square off against Mike Tyson. Kenneth Starr is too legit of a name to not be a boxer.
13) Just like he didn’t follow through in the Clinton case, we feel as if Starr might have trouble following through his haymakers so we give the edge to Tyson.
14) Since he’s now going to be holding the title of “president” does that mean that some hot-shot lawyer named Bill Clinton is going to find evidence that we could use to impeach him?
15) David Garland will now be off the hook here at BaylorGuys.com
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More to come this week and next as the saga continues. It took Baylor 19 months just to find a new president – the transition won’t be overnight.
Have a (insert adjective here) Monday! Let us and everyone else know what you think about the new hire in the comments section below.
- The BaylorGuys
normally i trust the nytimes as my first source of news. i think baylorguys.com may have replaced them.
Why would Baylor think this does anything good for the University? Basically it gives credence to all the people who say that Baylor is just simply a conservative Baptist school. Didn’t they say they were wanting to become more legitimate in academia? Guess not…
Just the other day in poly sci I was thinking about one day shaking the hand of the Kenneth Starr. I want to meet this guy… I could not stand Billy the Clinton when he was Mr.P…favorite part of this article was the very well known Hillary Clinton that made that wonderful quote. I want to put it on my facebook. have a good day baylor guys!
Actually he isn’t a member of the Church of Christ, his dad was a preacher at one, he is a non-denominational Christian.
But I love this article!
actually, he grew up church of christ and, although his “spiritual journey has led [him] to the broader evangelical world,” attends a church of christ at pepperdine, as you can read in this lovely interview with him! :D
http://www.baylor.edu/pr/news.php?action=story&story=69143
Best random mini-protest sign yesterday: “The bears have been Baptist longer than the new president has!” (Or something to that effect–I may not have the precise wording down, but I chuckled nonetheless.)
Well, that and “BONG HITS 4 KEN STARR,” of course.